If you look at me now, there are many things you probably don’t see.
You probably don’t see the narcissistic parent or the one that is an addict.
You probably don’t see the scars of religious trauma inflicted by a fundamentalist cult.
You probably don’t see the way that cult protected my molester and blamed me for being “overtly sexual” (at 12-14 years old).
You probably don’t see the rape that I just *knew* was my fault.
You probably don’t see the scars left by offering up an already violated body to anyone I thought would give affection in return.
You probably don’t see the first marriage defined by physical, emotional, mental, and sexual abuse.
You probably don’t see the months I spent sleeping in my car while very pregnant.
You probably don’t see the nightmares that used to ravage my sleep and my mind.
You probably don’t see the multiple daily panic attacks that used to be one of the few things I could count on.
You probably don’t see the miscarriage that broke me in yet new ways.
You probably don’t see the two suicide attempts and the way that failing at even that left me even more hopeless.
You probably don’t see the OCD and hyper- perfectionism that used to dominate my every thought.
You may not see the way I brought all of that unhealed into my marriage and into motherhood and desperately attempted to “get it right” while ignoring the brokenness inside of me.
You may not see the way that I had to open up every wound to battle for the beauty that brokenness has the potential to be.
You may not see that the version of me that I am today emerged from a return to the hell that I thought I had locked away to reclaim what had been lost there.
You may not see that the settled and secure woman in these squares is also scarred.
What I pray that you see is that healing is possible.
I pray that you see that God creates beauty that is more than the sum of its broken parts, and that He enabled us to fight courageously to heal enough to tell our stories.
I’ll be telling more of my story, and sharing how I “Secured Settledness” in my upcoming course. ♥️
You probably don’t see the narcissistic parent or the one that is an addict.
You probably don’t see the scars of religious trauma inflicted by a fundamentalist cult.
You probably don’t see the way that cult protected my molester and blamed me for being “overtly sexual” (at 12-14 years old).
You probably don’t see the rape that I just *knew* was my fault.
You probably don’t see the scars left by offering up an already violated body to anyone I thought would give affection in return.
You probably don’t see the first marriage defined by physical, emotional, mental, and sexual abuse.
You probably don’t see the months I spent sleeping in my car while very pregnant.
You probably don’t see the nightmares that used to ravage my sleep and my mind.
You probably don’t see the multiple daily panic attacks that used to be one of the few things I could count on.
You probably don’t see the miscarriage that broke me in yet new ways.
You probably don’t see the two suicide attempts and the way that failing at even that left me even more hopeless.
You probably don’t see the OCD and hyper- perfectionism that used to dominate my every thought.
You may not see the way I brought all of that unhealed into my marriage and into motherhood and desperately attempted to “get it right” while ignoring the brokenness inside of me.
You may not see the way that I had to open up every wound to battle for the beauty that brokenness has the potential to be.
You may not see that the version of me that I am today emerged from a return to the hell that I thought I had locked away to reclaim what had been lost there.
You may not see that the settled and secure woman in these squares is also scarred.
What I pray that you see is that healing is possible.
I pray that you see that God creates beauty that is more than the sum of its broken parts, and that He enabled us to fight courageously to heal enough to tell our stories.
I’ll be telling more of my story, and sharing how I “Secured Settledness” in my upcoming course. ♥️
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